the official ranking of the only important works of fiction that have ever been released in all of history. enjoy.

released: idfk
genre: idfk
author: andr*w h*ssie

summary

four internet friends play a game together.

review

i enjoyed some characters and some events that took place in this comic and i'm glad i finally finished it.

rating: 8 monkeys/10

released: 2006
genre: comedy
director: larry charles

funniest movie ever made

rating: 9 monkeys/10

released: 2020
genre: comedy
director: jason woliner

second funniest movie ever made

rating: 8 monkeys/10

released: 1992
genre: action
director: roland emmerich

summary

resurrected vietnam vet supersoldiers go rogue!!!

review

when my dad recommended i watch universal soldier i was skeptical. jean claude van damme plays the main character. everyone knows he can't act. apparently i was wrong and this movie is epic. not only is it the best action movie ever made, it's also the best romcom ever made. not that he necessarily does anything differently here, he's just sitting there doing his autism stare. does that count as acting. idk it doesn't matter, somehow it works and i totally buy him as a braindead cyborg. i loved ally walker as well, it's so odd that i've never seen her in anything else. she should be the top grossing actress of all time (after sigourney weaver tho) and the fact that she's not is so fucking unfair and shows how our messed up our society is. she needs to be in every movie.

for some reason universal soldier is overlooked for how absolutely amazing it is. i think it's because every other jean claude van damme movie is so shit that when it came out everyone automatically assumed it was also shit which tinted their impressions of it. so it never registered as the cinematic masterpiece it is. or something. well i'm here to tell you that a great van damme film is possible, it exists and it's called universal soldier. i'm forcing everyone i know to watch it.

award: refreshingly honest depiction of steroid abuse by hollywood stars

rating: 9.5 monkeys/10

released: 2002
genre: romance drama
director: shane meadows

summary

things get rocky for a suburban family after the sudden reappearance of the young girl's father.

review

look, there'll be some movies of questionable quality here. this one isn't too bad though, just a light british family drama. still, i wouldn't have liked it or even considered watching it if it wasn't for rhys ifans, it's just not a genre i like. it's probably hard to write an actually compelling script about a suburban love triangle. luckily the humorous moments and competent acting toned down the inherent melodrama of it. it's oddly refreshing just how mundane and normal these people are. i feel like i could run into them at the grocery shops.

i recommend this to british drama watchers and ifans enjoyers only, maybe carlyle enjoyers too but not really anyone else. i'm still midway through my ifans marathon but i think this will remain in my top three favourite roles of his. dek was very endearing and the whole film was quite charming for what it is. tbh both of the male characters kind of sucked, the woman and her daughter deserved better but dek was cute about it so i forgive him.

rating: 6 monkeys/10

released: 2013
genre: comedy
director: edgar wright

summary

one man weaponizes alcoholism to uncover a robot takeover conspiracy.

review

i love gary king! he's a very different protagonist from the previous movie but just as fun. the climax scene near the end when an inebriated gary "defeats" the robot is literally the dumbest funniest way i've ever seen a character solve the story's crisis, and mind you it's set up well throughout movie so it feels completely logical. 2 points for the world's end scene, 3 points for gary, 2 more points for funny moments.

rating: 7 monkeys/10

released: 2007
genre: comedy, action
director: edgar wright

summary

london police officer gets re-assigned to a remote village for being too good at his job and making everyone else look bad. but something is afoot and the quiet village becomes the stage for a chain of gruesome deaths.

review

funny, epic, riveting. sgt. angel is an awesome protagonist. love when an uptight by the book guy gets paired up with a dumbass manchild and has to cope with increasingly bizarre situations.

quality buddy cop action. my favourite one of the nominal trilogy.

award: exellent swan acting

rating: 8.5 monkeys/10

released: 1996
genre: comedy
director: harold ramis

summary

a construction worker resorts to cloning in order have enough time both for his job and for his family.

review

fun keaton movie. there sure was a lot of him in this one.

main character was such an ass but in an intentional, comedic way. some scenes would be kinda hot if i watched it by myself tbh.

award: highest ketone levels

rating: 7 monkeys/10

released: 2023
genre: post apocalyptic drama
director: peter hoar

summary

the most apocalypse prepared man in the world ends up in the one situation he wasn't prepared for. ...love???

review

this section isn't ONLY for movies (they're just all i watch lol) but i'll be reviewing this episode like a movie because i watched it in the same way one would watch a movie, independently and out of context. i don't care about any of those other people. i played the game but don't remember much.

i enjoyed the soundtrack choices, it had absolute bangers. the romance was wonderfully written, the feels didn't hit me until the credits, but they certainly hit. by the way i wouldn't blame anyone for not liking this episode, maybe they just don't care about the random romance story that ended up between their regular zombie episodes just like i don't care about the zombie show that's attached to my cute romance story.

bill checking his traps

i related to bill a lot. i knew i would, that's the reason i watched it. i have a strong connection to my inner ron swanson and i knew they'd have similarities beyond being played by nick offerman. like bill i hate people and i've likewise spent a lifetime behind a (metaphorical) fence, one that i don't remember anymore if i built or if it's always been there.

bill's character is a portrayal of the scarcity mindset confronted with romantic attachment. we see his frustrations at the uncomfortable emotions and feelings he has to experience now that frank is part of his life, how foreign it is for him to trust another person. bill's natural defence mechanism is to evade such dangerous things, apocalypse or no apocalypse. as a prepper he treasures his resources above everything else, and love is the most burdensome, demanding challenge a person like him could be met with. he's often stubborn and not on the same page as frank, yet his moments of anger are proof that he cares.

it's a hopeful and sweet take on a character like him. as for me, i'm not sure i could willingly let anyone in, but if there was such a person i suppose they'd have to be quite annoying and persistent for that to happen. for this reason i loved the opposites attract thing these two had, where frank's over-friendly personality felt almost too much for bill's sensibilities, but they made it work.

award: mfw i'll never have this

rating: 8.5 monkeys/10

released: 1988
genre: biographical drama
director: michael apted

summary

the story of dian fossey who came to africa to study highly endangered mountain gorillas.

review

dian literally did nothing wrong, i would've commited so many more violent crimes than her if i was there. it's why no one lets me work in conservation :(

rating: 7 monkeys/10

released: 2018
genre: comedy, action
director: susanna fogel

summary

two friends become entangled in an international terrorist plot after the protagonist's ex boyfriend is revealed to be a spy.

review

i love it so much why has literally no one seen it!!! maybe not officially my #1 favorite movie but for whatever reason it's the first one that pops into my mind when someone asks. it's just so fun!!!

when i first heard of it, i thought the premise sounded a lot like 'spy', which i also love. and yes, this movie is extremely similar to spy but it's its own thing. there are aspects of action movies that i often find lackluster that were done surprisingly well here: the central female friendship was adorable, the villain was awesome and for once a romance didn't ruin the movie, the guy only showed up as a backdrop for the main character's growth (as he should).

morgan attempting to flirt

a few of the jokes were so funny it genuinely shocked me, most of them from kate mckinnon's character, morgan. she was the fun quirky girl friend and she pulled it off very naturally. her crush at first sight moment with gillian anderson's character was funny and made me think of certain women i know who simp for middle aged ladies. like yeah i can see why someone would spill their spaghetti if gillian walked into the room.

it's a girl power movie that manages to be that way without pandering too much. it just gives us what we want and nothing extra, a fun friendship, dumb american women travelling through europe and a "shitty exes get btfo'd" sentiment which would probably be enjoyable for anyone in the audience who has a shitty ex. performing a mock execution on a man is very much on my bucket list, so i love that the protagonist got to do it! good for her.

award: funniest joke about balls

rating: 9 monkeys/10

released: 2022
genre: comedy, action
director: david leitch

summary

an operative attempts to retrieve a briefcase full of money from a train but it seems like the other passangers have beef both with each other and with him.

review

there aren't many bad things i can say about bullet train. i wanted a cool action movie and bullet train delivered.

the stakes kept rising steadily and i knew about 5 minutes in that the train was going to fucking disintegrate or blow up or something. i was looking forward to it. i really enjoyed the amount of characters dying in random stupid ways as well. i'm a sucker for chekhov's guns and tightly interconnected plots. of course i was more interested in some storylines than others but i was never bored because all of them felt important.

points have to be taken away for the actors trying to speak russian. in the movie i will be reviewing next they at least found ONE actress that could speak it (the other characters were still horrible), in this movie it's like WHAT are these people even saying? it was really bad and i died from cringe. at this point just get someone else to do a voice over. moving on.

award: most riveting fiji water bottle product placement

rating: 8 monkeys/10

released: 2015
genre: comedy, action
director: paul feig

summary

hitherto overlooked cia employee sets out on her first undercover mission after her partner is killed in action.

review

i watched spy at least 10 times and i can quote half of it from memory so i'm definitely qualified to review it by now.

melissa mccarthy progressively gets more melissa mccarthy. she teams up with a hilariously snobby heiress who is the antagonist. verka serduchka and 50 cent are also there.

i loved the characters and found most of the jokes really funny, if you like action comedies with a bigger emphasis on the comedy you will probably enjoy it. i would have even recommended it for family viewing if the movie didn't make you stare at a guy's dick for a solid minute.

award: most stupid fucking retarded toast

rating: 8.5 monkeys/10

released: 1997
genre: sci-fi horror
director: paul w. s. anderson

summary

a spaceship reappears after missing for years, a team of researchers board it to try and discover where it's been all this time.

review

i'm not a horror fan but event horizon was so good. i feel like a lot of my reviews go like "i'm not usually into this but this specific movie is great", i suppose i'm more into movies than movie genres.

something about the supernatural yet monster-less sci-fi concept where the place itself is evil has won me over. i actually like this movie better than the shining but don't tell the filmbros i said this.

some parts in the the middle got a little formulaic and not as interesting, but the movie was at its best when it did its own thing and went balls to the wall insane with all the body horror. all in all a very cool experience as a non horror fan!

award: a cruise space ship i'd love to go on

rating: 8.5 monkeys/10

released: 1996
genre: crime drama
director: joel coen

summary

car salesman arranges a scheme to have his own wife kidnapped for ransom. everyone involved is very stupid, resulting in increasing amounts of bloodshed.

review

fargo is the movie that made me realize i actually like movies. there really isn't any part of it i don't like. the snowy landscapes, the acting, the music, everything was perfect.

this was the first in the roughly 50-movies long bender i undertook 4 years ago because for the first time in my life i went through an experience most girls have years earlier: a celebrity crush. i think steve buscemi is extremely hot. and fargo is peak buscemi, he exudes this jittery neurotic energy that progressively gets more manic throughout the movie, it makes me want to maul him. it's great.

this review was requested by my brother who doesn't really get the hype. i can see how fargo could be dismissed as meandering and purposeless by someone who isn't on the same wavelength, which is how i feel about most other coen films, but fargo made perfect sense to me in a way few things did before. it was a beautiful melancholy experience that made me want to visit brainerd during wintertime.

award: the filmbros were right

rating: 10 monkeys/10

released: 1965
genre: drama
director: robert aldrich

summary

guys crash a plane in the desert. things get intense, there's no radio, people die. what will they do???

review

on reflection i think this might be one of my favorite movies ever. it has enough action to keep your interest, but not too much. the tension between the characters is done well. honestly, i'm not really someone into older films and i was worried the desert setting could easily have gotten monotonous and dismal but the film doesn't lose momentum. also it's about a plane and planes are awesome. this is a certified classic.

btw this movie has a monkey. i don't know anything about the filming or what happened to it, but the monkey was cute, i guess.

one of the best things in this movie is the engineer heinrich dorfmann, he's been something of a role model to me for a long time. i love characters who aren't typical action heroes but have to problem solve and use their brain to solve a crisis.

i will have to mention the 2004 remake now. basically it's not very good. the action was fine but there were some questionable creative decisions made. i appreciate how they had to admit they fucked up dorfmann's character so much they had to rename him to keep some semblance of respect. what even was this guy's problem. although i loved the scene where he straight up murders a guy, that was great, as well as his cool fucking shades.

if you enjoy aviation, survival dramas or strong willed heroes you may enjoy this one. btw did you know a guy crashed and died for real when they were making it

award: most watchable 60s movie.

rating (1965 version): 7 monkeys/10

released: 1987
genre: science fantasy
director: rené laloux

summary

the chosen warrior must save his planet from a mysterious robotic menace.

review

i love digging up older animated movies, they don't make them like they used to anymore. for reference, the last animated fantasy movie i watched before this one was 'starchaser: the legend of orin'. my standards are really low.

i wasn't familiar with this director or with 'fantastic planet' so i expected nothing but starchaser level derpiness. it actually turned out to be amazing. the story was simple but sweet, the design work on the creatures and landscapes was wonderful and the synthy 80s music sealed the whole thing. the characters were as basic as the story, except there was one awesome (spoiler-y) character who was very unique, compelling and the best part of the movie.

i enjoyed the deeper topics the movie managed to touch on without going into preachy teritory. i'm looking forward to giving 'time masters' a watch as well.

award: highest rate of boobs on screen per minute

rating: 8 monkeys/10

released: 2022
genre: comdey, drama
director: daniel kwan, daniel scheinert

summary

mother and daughter conflict. ensuing drama threatens to destroy not just our universe but many others.

review

it had a couple of jokes that made me laugh, which is impressive. i've seen many movies and heard a lot of jokes. normally i don't find many jokes funny.

pacing was fast. like, extremely fast (and this wasn't a short movie), to a point i can only describe as 'tiktok explore page' pacing, and i'm not a fan of the marvel tier multiverse trend. but i enjoyed the story a lot.

would absolutely recommend if you want a movie that has marvel style superhero action, except about family drama, and better.

award: the only watchable a24 movie

rating: 7 monkeys/10